He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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