if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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