The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
