flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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