Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
