I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
