i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
