allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
