If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
