Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize