Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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