i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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