Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
