i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
