I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
