Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
