I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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