Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize