whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
