yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
