I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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