why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
