I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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