who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
