Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
