She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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