I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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