I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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