apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
