I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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