I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Acid is not a monday night drug
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
