I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
