I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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