I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
you had me at cake vodka
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
