i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
