i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
