Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
