you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
ok first of all what the fuck
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
