Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
