I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize