What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
