you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
