You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
