I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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