so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
