i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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