I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
