I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
