Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
