Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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