If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
wrigley field is MILF paradise
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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