oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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