Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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