I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
