God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
