In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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