My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
