I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
