Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
