People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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