Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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