Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
