i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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